And now…THE HEROIC AMATEURS OF THE THREE KINGDOMS

A summery of a book that I really haven’t thought of in like eighteen years, by Amber.

Okay, so there’s this girl named named Jen Dreamer and she is sooooooo cool. How cool is she? She’s like FOURTEEN! And she wears a brown vest and brown pants and has short brown hair and that’s pretty much the end of her character. Anyway one day this famous thief shows up to her small town. But it’s cool, because this thief is actually ONE OF THE THREE HEROS OF LEGEND but she’s old and stuff (like fourty) so she’s looking for a replacement to train.

The thief, whose name I think is Jessica and looks exactly like an older version of Jen for no reason, tests everyone by having them steal marbles out of her hand. These marbles are IMPORTANT. There’s this boy named Billy (who totally looks like a kid I did not like in my class) who steals all of the marbles in one go! But then Jen tries and whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat there’s an extra marble!

“The last marble was in my pocket” says Jessie (Jessica?) and the crowd TOTALLY LOSES IT WOOOO JEN WINS THE APPRENTICESHIP! Billy stalks off angry and vows to become evil and stuff. Jen, who seemingly has no family at all, goes off with Jessie/Jessica to start her training. She meets:

1. Mia, the wizard’s apprentice. She won the magic tournament by beating everyone up instead of using magic. She is bad at magic.
2. Drake, the fighter’s apprentice. He has a sword that’s soooooooo big he can’t even lift it. I am too young to understand phallic imagery.
3. The Fighter Hero, who is fat and looks like Mario
4. I assume the wizard dude/lady but I honestly can’t remember them at all so whatever.

Okay so they go to The First Kingdom where a party is being held in their honor for winning. They meet the three princesses:

1. Sara, who is C-ko from Project A-ko
2. Kim, who is a female Kefka from FF3/6
3. A very bland Princess whose name I can’t remember

Anyway so they’re all at the party getting ready to eat when the Fighter Mario guy announces EVERYONE IS UNDER ARREST WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? See he’s evil and this is all a takeover being done by Theresa! Wait, was Theresa mentioned at this point in time? I can’t remember. Not important I guess.

So the three apprentices escape somehow and…things happened. This entire part of the book is hazy to me. I think this is when Max took over writing and I took over ‘falling asleep on the couch because it is one in the morning and I am eleven’. I think our heroes fight, they become friends again, they learn of some ultimate evil etc etc. Oh! They meet a witch-lady who is a complete rip-off of Washu from Tenchi Muyo. She had a bunch of magical hairclips and had little tiny goblins that helped her. Totally cool lady. I drew her all over my notebooks in school.

Okay so other things happened. Billy? Totally evil and is defeated somehow. Kim has a pet six-legged dragon that is defeated somehow. I think Kim is defeated at this point too? Doesn’t matter because it turns out the real mastermind is…THERESA! A GOTH TEENAGER WHO HAS AN EVIL DEMON IN HER HEAD! SHE IS SO EVIL AND STUFF!

Theresa gets defeated. Somehow.

Anyway alls well that ends well! The evil demon is destroyed, the amateurs are labeled heroes, and I think at some point Drake managed to lift his sword. THE END!

So there you have it! That, my friends, is my first book. Mostly written by my older brother, but I’m still going to count it. The funny thing is I still have a copy of it on my bookshelf! I’m sure you can tell that I did not reference it at all to make this post. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to crack it open again to fill in the blanks.