WARNING! THIS BLOG POST IS ABOUT FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS INSIDE MY BODY! IF THAT IS TOO MUCH INFO FOR YOU THEN GO CHECK OUT THE AWESOME FANART OF MY WORKS INSTEAD!

Yesterday I got an IUD. It was kind of gross.

I’m writing this because I know some of my younger fans and tumblr buddies are also interested in getting an IUD. Which, for those who don’t know, is a form of female birth control that is inserted into the uterus. For the past three months my menstrual cycle has been pretty freakin’ weird. Too much blood, not enough blood, enough to worry me after almost twenty years of my normal hellish cycle. I talked to my gynecologist who said that these things happen and put me on medication that made me bleed for a month straight.

I then got a better gynecologist who recommended a whole bunch of scans to make sure I didn’t have cancer and then, after I got the all clear, recommended a hormonal IUD. Not also would it fix my menstrual cycle but it would lighten it. At this point I was ready to tear my uterus out with my own hands so I said yes. Yesterday was the procedure, and I wanted to get the basic hour-by-hour blow for those who want to know what it was like.

9am: I was given medication to insert next to the cervix an hour before my appointment. I had assumed it would be some sort of cream or gel. It was a chalky white pill. It was not pleasant.

10am: My father drove me to the OBGYN. Since we were super duper early we stopped by Rook Coffee, the most hipster coffee shop I know. But it does have this fig butter that is AMAZING holy crap mmmmmm.

10:30: Showtime. I’m stripped from the waist down and given the “blanket of shame”. While I’m waiting for the doctors I read the handy dandy pamphlet that went over all of the ways this thing could kill me. Turns out it can puncture through my uterus and just sort of wander about. That’s…great. Just great. My lovely new gynecologist actually talked me through the whole procedure, making sure I understood every step, which went as follows:

1. Inserting the metal duck bill thing (cold)
2. Inserting a sounding device to measure the size of my uterus (ow)
3. Dilating the cervix (OW)
4. “You’ll feel a pinch”

That is, of course, the second of three great lies everyone in the medical field tells you. The third being “You won’t feel a thing” and number one being “this will feel like a bee sting”. The pinch felt as if someone pushed an ice pick through my reproductive organs and just sorta…kept going. I’m still not convinced she didn’t poke into my spine. It was that point she actually inserted the IUD. To answer how that works I will refer you to this gif:

The doctor then said she was done and the pain was gone. All in all it took not even ten minutes from start to finish. She told me to rest up and to call her if I was in extreme pain. I told her I felt fine.

Once again, my hubris would be my undoing. Let’s go over the rest of the day.

11am: Dad drops me off home. A little achey, but I’m doing okay. Time to kick back and play some Fire Emblem! I have video game characters to marry, dang it!

Noon: Huh, I’m starting to cramp up a bit.

1pm: I am in pain. Deep, unending pain that only increased by every second. It was like a normal period cramp but it just wouldn’t end. All it did was get worse and worse like a wave that refused to crest. I was pale and sweating. I vomited red liquid, which worried me until I remembered I drank a cherry gatorade. Then I vomited some more. I knew I needed this THING out of me before it killed me. I called the doctor, crying, blubbering that I was in some of the worst pain I had ever felt.

Oh, that’s normal, she said.

Normal?, I might have said but it was probably more like sobbing.

Oh yes! Perfectly normal. As long as you’re not bleeding heavy you’ll be fine. Take some motrin and you’ll be better.

Luckily Past Me had gotten a bottle of motrin just in case. I took a dose and waited for death to claim me.

2pm: Still in pain, but now I’m bored too. Fire Emblem!

3pm: Son of a Gun the Motrin was working. The horrific pain was down from “I’m going to die” to what I would consider normal period cramps. Which is still terrible but at least I can focus on Fire Emblem.

5pm: My dear, wonderful, terrific, loving, sweet, amazing, Saint-like brother brought home Chinese Food, Ice Cream, and more motrin. Bards will sing of his mercy for generations to come. The pain was dull enough that I could keep a few mouthfuls down. I’m feeling more like a human again.

6pm: I remember my brother had some muscle relaxants left over from when he hurt his back. I wonder if one of those would dull the pain enough that I could sleep? I start up some Minecraft Let’s Plays on my laptop, plug in the heating pad, and take one pill.

7pm-11am: Okay, so I’m at my job. But my job is now in the Freehold Mall parking lot. Also a whole bunch of my old High School buddies are working in the cubicals next to me. I’m trying to get everyone to hurry up and finish their jobs or else we’ll miss the bus. But it doesn’t matter because I’ve found a corpse floating in the Freehold Mall Lake and THERE’S A MURDER THAT NEEDS SOLVING! ONLY ONE TRUTH PREVAILS!

11:30am: I wake up and I’m no longer in pain. Apparently at some point I texted my brother about barking dogs and used the bathroom. Yesterday feels like a confusing, far off dream that was less real that the one I had with the lake murder. I immediately start playing more Fire Emblem.

Once, as a child, my mother explained to me that you forget physical pain. That’s how women could go through childbirth, she said. And it’s true. I remember the events of yesterday but what I physically felt is already gone. Sure I’m certain sore. I also feel this weird…thing if a car goes over a bump too fast. I’m glad I’m not in pain currently, but I’m sure in five years I won’t even think about this when I get the IUD replaced. All of that being said I’m going to spend the next few days resting until everything has settled into place.

While playing Fire Emblem.