I’m five years old and visiting my cousins who lived in a house with a basement next to a large field. These things are important to five year old Amber, so they’re what I remember. The basement is large, messy, and is pretty much kids-only territory. After growing up in a home where my parents were always one room away the idea of a basement Just For Us is thrilling beyond words. It also had a TV and VCR that we would watch terrible old VHS tapes on. The memories are faded with time, but there is one I remember clear as day.

That fucking CGI VHS tape.

I didn’t hate CGI when I was little. I feared it. Everything about it was wrong wrong wrong. In my experience as a child there were three known realities: People, video games, and cartoons. CGI wasn’t any of that. CGI was a unknown monster that made me feel like I was going to fall out of the world from just looking at it. To this day watching clips of old computer animation gives me an odd sensation that I cannot describe. Like if I walked outside and met myself walking back in. It’s wrong. It’s impossible. It’s animated by PIXAR.

Why do I bring this up now? Because my dear cousin Jennie found that fucking VHS tape online because of course she did.

BEHOLD! The greatest of Little Amber’s Fears!

So with almost thirty years between me and the last time I viewed this tape I sat down to watch and you know what fuck this I’m skipping around like hell I’m subjecting myself to everything I have enough nightmares as is THANK YOU VERY MUCH

ahem

Highlights Include:

2:30 – A fish and bird get freaky

3:41 – fuck yeah robot dinosaurs

9:05 – Lucasfilm…oh! PIXAR!

17:17 – FABRICATED RHYTHM

21:23 – Naked robot lady! You know, maybe my younger self was wrong. This isn’t so-

27:08 – no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO STOP STOP BAD STOP NO

28:13 – well brain that was a fucking weird reaction to some random cgi heteronormative bullshit shapes but I’m sure I won’t have any more

46:40 – oh no

46:41 – oh no I remember this

46:42-48:44 – *quiet sobbing*

49:08 – Okay, okay I’m better. Might dream of flesh tunnels but I’m better.

51:40 – oh hey it’s my adopted baby Voyager 2 whatup you cool baby

1:01:21 – And then Dire Straights because we gotta

And the rest after that is credits!

Well, I hope some of you have developed a slight understanding towards my old fear of computer animation. Or you think I’m even weirder than before. Which frankly is saying something.